Tuesday, 5 March 2013
Marks & Spencers - Simply M&S Pork Sausage
These are not just your usual crap, sloppy supermarket sausages – these are M&S crap, sloppy supermarket sausages. I bet Twiggy and Myleene Klass wouldn’t touch them with a bargepole.
I’ve tried to research who makes M&S’ value sausages (branded as “Simply M&S”) but been thwarted. Nobody’s owning up to it. But I think it’s fair to expect them to be far superior to, say, Tesco’s cheapest bangers. If you bought a similarly priced pack of, for example’s sake, boxer shorts from each retailer you would expect the M&S undercrackers to be better quality. Would the same thing go for the sausages? Well....no. They’re both dreadful. If the same applied to their pants, I’m going commando for life. And that’s not an image you want at breakfast time.
60% only, and according to the packaging “selected cuts of pork”. Selected for sausages because nobody would want to eat them in their original form I’m thinking. I know how a real banger made with truly “good” cuts of pork tastes, and it ain’t anything like these gopping articles.
Prior to eating I was repeating the mantra “Please don’t be salty mush, please don’t be salty mush”....and when I tucked in......they were salty mush. Not as utterly sloppy and ploppy as either the porridge in The Slammer (ask an eight-year-old), or as Richmond’s sausages, but unpleasantly bland nevertheless. I was tempted to write just one word in the Flavour section....”Absent”....but that would be slightly inaccurate. Just slightly, mind. There’s salt in spades, there’s squishy grey-toned “stuff”, there’s the remains of the skins – which, incidentally, took it upon themselves to disappear completely during cooking and thus made a RIGHT freakin’ mess of my best pan – NOT happy....so flavour – nothing positive going on no matter how hard I looked. Abysmal.
When I was slicing the sausages for the photos I did feel some vague grainy resistance which raised my hopes, which were callously dashed when I actually put a slice into my mouth. There’s really not a lot of substance here. You barely need to cut these, the knife almost sinks through the soggy “pork protein” casing of its own accord (what casing there is left, that is). Rank.
Average weight uncooked - 58g
Average weight cooked - 43g
Shrinkage - 26%
Would you be happy if you bought a pair of M&S slacks and when you came to wear them later they had shrunk to resemble culottes (thanks to posh-ish female friend for analogy)? Obviously not!
Value For Money:
£1.39 for eight sausages, weighing 461g - this works out as a price of £3.02 per kg, or 17p per snorker. Very cheap, but very nasty. Very poor value for money, AVOID!
The Bisto Factor:
No discernible aroma whatsoever throughout cooking. Disappointing and sad.
Through A Child’s Eyes:
No chance, you’re not getting Social Services onto my back for subjecting Junior Sidekick to these bangers.....
The Imaginatively Titled Next Day Cold Sausage Test:
I was actually dreading the Cold Sausage Test, which probably tells you all you need to know about the quality of the M&S banger. Well just take a look at the pictures, which show the M&S sausages on the left and some Pork & Leek sausages from Bowers of King’s Lynn (review right here, next week) on the right. Spot the difference?
Ask your Nan. Just don’t ask her to buy you any of their sausages.
And Finally, Esther:
I was going to pick two words beginning with the letters M and S to summarise these sausages, but I couldn’t make my mind up which derogatory ones to choose. Have a go yourself....